I have often wrote my blogs with a view to helping people. This time, I am writing to be raw and honest as I am not even sure how to help myself – Writing was the start of a road to recovery for me, so I am hoping that this too will be a step in the right direction.
I have been masking how I am feeling for so long now. For months I have felt numb, detached and in truth, quite unstable with my emotions. I can go from feeling the highest highs, to the lowest lows within a matter of hours and over the past couple of weeks, I have come to the acceptance that I probably am going through a relapse into depression and anxiety again.
I am not sure why I have been trying to mask it. For anyone that has been through dark moments, there is nothing more upsetting than feeling like you are relapsing. For so long I have felt like I am mentally clawing at the walls inside my mind to keep myself afloat, to stay “happy“. Wouldn’t it be great to have a cure that would make it disappear forever? But, I am real and I am certainly not naive… I am struggling and I think it is time to admit it.
For months I have felt deflated and detached. Small decisions like food shopping have become incredibly stressful, I am restless and not sleeping much in the night or actually sleeping too much, but no matter what, I am still waking up exhausted. I am too overwhelmed to socialise, but I am also scared of feeling alone in a new city.
Right now, the worst feeling of all is the cloud of guilt that hangs over me. I know that guilt is one of the hardest parts about having depression and it’s something that I battle with most days. Why should anyone have to succumb to being with someone like this? Why would anyone love/like someone who is so negative?
I have decided that I cannot run away from how I am feeling any longer and I need to identify all of these symptoms and address things before I feel any any worse. The most painful feeling when you know you are relapsing, is feeling like you are a failure.
I have been off medication for over a year now and I have been so proud of how I was coping without them and I had hoped that I would never need them again. However, of late, my emotions have been incredibly unstable, I have felt numb (on days that should have been some of my happiest moments) and I am admitting defeat.
I need help to stabilise my mood and help me feel present again. As scary as it is, I know I am strong, I have overcome this before and I will overcome this again. I know that although things are hard right now, this feeling will not be permanent and I am writing today to be honest and raw with the world.
For anybody else who has experienced a relapse or is currently going through this; I hope you know, you are are not as alone as you feel you are. I truly believe that once I am through this phase (which I know I will), I can share my experience and hope that in turn, it will help others too.
“Sunflowers end up facing the sun, but they go through a lot of dirt to find their way there.”- J.R.Rim.