Friday 11 August
Where do I begin with the past week? What a whirlwind of emotions!! At the start of the week I was discharged from therapy with a view that I was emotionally much better in myself and that I was strong enough to cope without needing weekly therapy. If ever I believed someone… now was the time. I felt that I was happier in myself for the first time in a long time and everyone around me thought the same – I had been taught all the tricks that I needed to get me by and that’s all that I needed, right?
Awaking the next day I had the all too familiar feeling of hopelessness rush back. I had no motivation to get up, no motivation to get myself into the gym, I just wanted to hide away from the world and be left in my own thoughts. But why? This is all I kept asking myself as I couldn’t put my finger on it. I forced myself to get up and go to work but sat all day at my desk with this dark cloud hanging over me.
The next day I had an appointment with my psychiatrist to sort out my medication. I relayed the information that I had been discharged from therapy but that I immediately had a drop in mood the next day. My psychiatrist said that this often happens when people get discharged from therapy as they feel alone again and she decided that as my mood is still not completely stable at all times, I need to keep on with my weekly sessions.
I had previously written a blog on a word document that most of you have now read called “For Molly x”. At first this was a personal blog to get everything down on paper but every so often I would get the urge to post this publicly and somewhere in my mind all I could think was it was Molly’s way of saying DO IT. So… one night when I was chatting with friends, I made the decision that this week was the week I was going to post this blog publicly.
One afternoon at work I was feeling very down and unwell which is when I decided to sit and read my blog once more. I got this overwhelming sensation to share it with others and I really felt this time Molly was being that little angel on my shoulder guiding me to. So… my first port of call was to openly share this with three of her closest friends. If there was ever going to be anyone’s approval I wanted, it was theirs. The feedback I got instantly made me the happiest I had been in a long, long time. So after a few hours of contemplating I decided to post this to Facebook. Immediately I got the shakes as swarms of people started liking and commenting. The comments and lovely messages I was receiving were completely overwhelming. I spent half the night awake looking over and over at all the messages I received and I was ecstatic. From that day I have been so excited to keep writing and sharing my struggles and triumphs, so this is where the blogging website began and here I am sitting writing this piece.
Monday 14 August
Back to work after an absolutely crazy, busy weekend and I am feeling absolutely horrendous today. I do not think it helps my mood whatsoever, especially on a Monday! As Scott was away this weekend for cricket, the rest of the girls and I decided we would do a girly brunch – I am not sure how or why but girls days always seem to escalate. I had such a lovely day and I was with some of my closest friends but I got to a stage in the early evening where everything just got the better of me and began to get teary chatting to a friend over WhatsApp, although I hid this well. I am not sure why and all I could think about is a very emotional facetime I had with this best friend that morning (love you!), but it played on my mind all day and the drunker I got the more I started thinking about life. People hide their feelings so well and I am the same (I think!). I can be the happiest person in the bar from the outside but deep down inside I feel this pain that I could never describe to someone or even justify why or where it comes from.
I spent all of the next day questioning why I had that much to drink but today is a new day and I need to start this week as fresh as I can. I have counselling tomorrow (again!) and I am going to discuss how I have found writing these little blogs the past week therapeutic and beneficial.
Tuesday 15 August
Today has been a good day! I woke up fresh and positive and have really felt that blogging and diarising everything has made me a much happier and confident person. I started looking into Psychology courses and degrees today. I find the mind so interesting – especially for someone who suffers with mental health like I do. Being in a different (and expensive!) country it would be hard for me to go back into full time study with the lifestyle that we like to live – travelling being number one on my priority list (sorry not sorry), but there are so many options out there nowadays to do these wonderful and amazing courses whilst remaining in full time work. I spend a lot of time alone at home on evenings and weekends and I really feel that if I am loving the mental health side of things this much – surely there would be something out there for me to get my teeth into and start educating myself more on.
I contacted the Open University today in a quest to find something well suited for me. I have been told that I am able to complete the Open University Degree on a part-time basis within 6 years, if I commit a certain amount of time to it each week. It has made me really excited to get back into learning again and it’s something I feel so passionate about. I feel that helping others will in turn, help me with my problems. Learning about the psychology behind mental and health and where it stems from is something I have looked into at great lengths before but this would be such a good thing for me to take on.
I went to my psychologist for my therapy session this evening and told her about my crazy, different week. She was so happy I have finally been able to find something to occupy my time and makes me happy. As she is unfortunately soon leaving Hong Kong, she has decided that it would be a good thing for me to start with a new therapist that has been trained in EMDR. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desentization Reprocessing and is a fairly new type of therapy. It is growing in popularity and is often used to treat people with post-traumatic stress disorder. These sessions will last up to 60-90 mins and basically what the therapist will do is move their fingers back and forth in front of your face and ask you to follow the motions with your eyes. Whilst doing this, the therapist will then make you recall a disturbing event and gradually shift your thoughts to more pleasant ones. Now… I am a little pessimistic of this therapy but I am happy to try anything and if it is a growing trend then it is obviously proven to work on a lot of people! After my session with Sophie I was feeling still as positive as when I woke up and I went to bed extremely happy.
Wednesday 16 August
After a long sleep and good chats with family and friends, I am still mulling all the information over with regards to the Open University but I am looking to start my degree next February if finance allows, so watch this space!!
I really cannot thank everyone enough for their wonderful and encouraging messages, you have helped turn something that was so scary into something that is so positive. I am not the kind of person that likes speaking out publically in front of large groups but I am loving hiding behind the keyboard and opening up.
The love and support that I received over the past week with my three blogs and website have been phenomenal and its really had a big impact on my overall mood and confidence in speaking out about mental health and has given me the affirmation that speaking out is so acceptable and it brings people together. So many people have confided in me for support too and I am loving that its bringing an acceptance and a community together. It is honestly amazing just how many people suffer with these little types of anxieties and it’s people that you would have never guessed. It just goes to show that no matter how confident a person is/how happy they may look from the outside – you never know what someone is going through and you should always be kind.
So… that is my quote for this week and a quote that I have used time and time again – it’s one of my favorites!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.